He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
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He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
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I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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