Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
