Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
