cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
