My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
