I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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