Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
