it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
