I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
