I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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