Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
