Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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