Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
