someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
