Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
