I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
