At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
