I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the day after is always just damage control
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
