if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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