I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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