This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Actions speak louder than pants.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
