I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
