This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
