I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
