I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
29 Unspoken Rules Of “Bro Code”
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
23 “Girl Codes” Guys Probably Don’t Know About
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.