not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
