I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
