put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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