I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
