I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
