Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
