I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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