Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
