I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
