apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
