I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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