I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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