my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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