Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Ketchup is God's man juice
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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