they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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