I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize