He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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