I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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