why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
