I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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