I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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