I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
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We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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