Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
