i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
