Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
