i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
