worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
