??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
