sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
